The Dating List Cast: G 1 hr 22 min Feb 21st, 2021 Romance, Comedy, TV Movie

I’m just now coming to terms with the fact that I was most likely molested. Years ago, a memory came back to me, and I sorta took it out on myself, but also suppressed it. I was feeling everything you explained in this video and I couldn’t understand why. It’s like my body remembered it, but my brain was trying so hard to forget it. But I just took the pain out on myself. Depression, anxiety, ocd. I was afraid to leave my house, I felt worthless, low self-esteem, tried cutting myself, binge ate and got up to 350 lbs. I’m terrified of men. I also separate them into groups. I’m scared to walk past them. I can’t look them in the eye. I can’t get close to people. And it’s not even men, it’s women too. I feel like people are a let down and no one can be trusted. I only have 2 friends, and I tell one of them all the time that idk how she made the cut. Not saying that to be a b!tch, I just genuinely don’t know, because I hardly ever let people in my life. I hate liars. Dating apps scare me, and every time I go on one, I’m like “you’re a murderer, you’re a cheater, you look like a liar”. Meanwhile, these men could be the nicest people in the world! I used to be terrified of social situations. I’ve gotten better with talking to strangers, but I’m scared to speak to family members. I’ve never felt safe ever in my life! I’m afraid of abandonment and rejection. I have more confidence now, but still struggle with thinking I’ll never really be fully accepted. I’m afraid if I tell a guy I was molested, he’ll think I’m “damaged goods”. I used to feel extremely dirty after masturbating. I’ve only had sex with 1 person and I’m 34 yrs old. It was with my ex, and it was a highly abusive relationship. I can’t allow myself to have sex, unless I know the person really cares about me and loves me and won’t just use me. It’s also hard for me to enjoy sex. It can be painful for me. I didn’t have my first kiss until I was 23, because people terrify me. I stopped believing in god. I also started to burn in my pelvic area when I was around 17/18. I always thought it was a uti and doctors always put me on antibiotics, which only made things worse. No one could figure out what was causing it. It took me over a decade to get a diagnosis of “mast cell activation syndrome”. I’ve read that molestation can cause autoimmune diseases and allergies, which is basically what my condition is. And it just get progressively worse as the years go by. I believe I have something called “interstitial cystitis” aka “painful bladder syndrome”. I just read today that there’s a correlation between molestation and this condition, which is just further proving that I most likely was molested. I also got diagnosed with complex ptsd, and ptsd from my last relationship. And I recently got diagnosed with adhd. I read childhood trauma can cause this. And since coming to terms with this, more images keep resurfacing. I also wasn’t the only child when this happened. It was my best friend and I at the time, and her mothers friend entered the room. I stopped speaking to her after this happened, and then her family moved and never even said “goodbye”. I tried adding her on fb a few months ago, and she won’t accept my friend request. It’s only further making me thing that something did in fact happen, because why wouldn’t you accept your childhood best friends request? It’s been rough, and I thankfully have a wonderful therapist who’s been helping me for 2 years now. I’m now in emdr, and I hope I can remember even more. But this has been a crazy journey for me and I just hope I can eventually find peace. I just don’t like saying I was molested, since I can’t fully remember it. Because I don’t think this is something anyone should ever lie about! But everything is pointing that the fragmented images that come to my mind is most likely real and I was most likely molested. It just sucks😔